OH HI. IT’S ME.

I bet you thought I had dropped off the face of the earth. Went the way of most business babes. Decided this life wasn’t for me (very nearly), gave up (almost), and just let this keep being a recurring charge on my bank statement. About that last one, I bite my thumb at you cause…clearly you’re not a single parent. Ain’t nothing coming out of this bitch’s bank account that I don’t use or know about, thank you VERY much.

But nope.
I’m here. I’m alive.
SO FUCKING MUCH has transpired over the last seven months, and is still transpiring, so I will give you the cliff notes version of a catch up in my new year’s post. This one? This has a specific intent. And I’m determined to stay on tangent.

So here goes.

December 31 is my birthday.
They call the age where you turn the number of your actual birthdate your “golden year”. Your “golden birthday”. So 31 was my golden year. But that fucker was NOT golden. So in true Rachel fashion…I am taking it back. Instead of 32 this year, I have decided that 2020 will be my “do-over”. My golden year that actually has any hint of gold. Why, you may ask? (Or not - I don’t really wait for people to ask, and if you’re not curious, feel free to go about your business and click on elsewhere.)

Here are 31 reasons I get to decide to take back my golden year. With extremely - and I mean EXTREMELY (for me, anyway) - brief explanations.

1. because I said so, damn you.

I mean…I think this is self-explanatory but. Yeah. What she said.

2. Because misery should not be a part of any year, let alone your golden year on this planet.

Everyone should be happy. I know that sounds like it’s easier said than done, but like…we all deserve a little fucking happiness. I mean, damn.

3. Because getting older is terrifying AF.

Let’s not beat around that bush. It fucking is.

4. Because I didn’t get to genuinely enjoy this year.

That sounds like a watered down version of number 2 but I swear it’s not. I want to enjoy every part of my year. I mean every part of it. Starting with my actual birthday.

5. Because your thirties are supposed to be the best time of your life, according to some people.

So why should I start out the best decade of my life with a shitty ass year.

6. Because Baskin Robbins.

They have 31 flavors for a reason, y’all.

7. Because I am the captain of my destiny.

And I am still working on convincing myself of this fact, so I am going to start small, and take back this year for myself.

8. Because if I feel empowered, I will BE empowered.

It’s like the secret in that sense. Put into the universe what you want to come to fruition, and all that jazz. I have to figure that that same logic can resonate, even a little bit, here.

9. Because I am not ready to be 32.

Yup. I said that.

10. Because 31 is a sexier number.

I mean, this is just cold hard facts though, isn’t it?

11. Because I waited for my golden birthday since I found out what the term meant…and I forgot 31 was my golden year till shit went south this summer.

If you need more explanation on that one, I have three words for you: Hooked. On. Phonics.

12. Because I don’t like who I was at 31.

This is sad, but true. And I want to change that fact.

13. Because every year of me deserves its due.

I spent much of this year in a depression, and that’s no way to spend a life. I refuse to let another year go half-lived. ESPECIALLY that golden year. Fuckkkk that.

14. Because I am hoping Jedi mind tricking time will become my new superpower or something.

I really want superpowers, but like…who doesn’t?

15. Because this year passed too quickly.

I need more time. Don’t we all? But this is about me.

16. Because I am desperately hoping that it will make time freeze, and my son will not have to grow up.

Although…I will say it will be nice to not have to pay that preschool bill every month come September, LET ME TELL YOU. Amirite parents?!

17. Because I am a Capricorn.

And realistically, I should be able to do all things that I put my mind to. Or so they say.

18. Because this year went too fast.

And then there’s that. This goes along with the enjoyment, but like. Let’s be fair. 2019 went really quick and I want to really enjoy life, so I’m gonna use 2020 as when I do that. Hopefully time will stop marching.

19. Because I want to think ahead.

I keep telling myself I will be ready for the next season creatively this time around, but it only seems to creep up on me again every year. And it’s very very annoying. So like, I want to get my shit together.

20. Because 31 is 13 backwards.

And we all know 13 is a beacon for creepy people everywhere.

21. Because 31 should have been lucky?

If 13 is unlucky, shouldn’t it go the other way with 31? Do things work that way? Asking for myself. Not a friend. At least I’m honest.

22. Because I’m feeling 31.

It seemed fitting to use this reasoning for this number. COME AT ME BRUH.

23. Because I am not where I thought 31 would take me.

AND I AM GOING TO GET THERE. I JUST NEED 2 YEARS TO DO IT. Damn, Daniel.

24. Because I am tired of being older than my best friend.

Seems silly, but I love the bitch and she turns 31 in March, lol. (Ironically also on the 31st.)

25. Because I have already tricked my son into saying I’m 21.

And 31 isn’t too far off soooooo. LAWYERED.

26. Because my little brother turns 30 this year.

So this year is already surreal. We might as well make it even a little bit unrealistic.

27. Because I am eternally youthful.

This is actually super true. I get carded for stuff still that I am shocked by. Like buying DVDs. It’s very weird that people don’t just assume I’m over 18? I don’t know. Maybe people are just that dumb? I’ll take it either way.

28. Because I like to control things.

I mean, who really likes being out of control, though?

29. Because my father doesn’t know how old I am anyway.

It’s true. Ask him. He’s got no fucking clue.

30. Again, because I said so.

Yup.

which brings us to the ultimate reason.

31. Because…why the hell not?

At the end of the day, who does it hurt that I say I’m 31 instead of 32 though? Nobody. It is the definition of a “victimless crime”. Super harmless. I’m only cheating a little this year. Get back to me in ten years when I’m saying I’m 31 still. Because…chances are good.

If you got this far, thanks.
If you got this far, merry everything, happy always.
If you got this far, let’s make 2020 the best one yet.

Have yourself a happy little holiday season, and I’ll catch you on the flip side. But…this time for real.

And once more in 2019, with feeling, RACHFACE OUT.

(This is where I drop the mic and walk away in my future Netflix comedy special that will never happen because I am not funny. Like, at all.)

kthanksloveyoumeanitbye.
XOXO

Rachel